Coltzan Ettiquette
by chrnoskitty
Summary: How to use your pets speech to get things from Coltzan. A rejected Neopian Times Article.


Okay, so you've visited Coltzan every day for a month hoping for a level up but each time you walk away with burnt food or without a single thing worthy of your excursion. It's okay, we've all been there. And that is why we have come here to the Neopian Times with this article on how to behave when you visit him.

Yes, we said 'behave', like we would to a little kid. Well, my fellow Neopian, in the great Coltzan's eyes we are all but little insignificant children who come to him begging for a level up or items. Yes, _begging_ . You'd get annoyed too if people came and bugged you fore "miracles" when you're all miracle-d out. Or, you could be like the little kids that scream and cry because they want something(you do want something, don't you?) that they can't have. Anyways, that's not the point. The point is how to get Coltzan on your good side.

I know, I know. This is the third paragraph already, and you want to know what to do to "get rich quick" or "go a level up" or "get stronger". Well, first off, let me say that I have **never** gotten any neopoints from Sir Coltzan, nor have I ever intended to, but I have gotten many level ups. So, that is what this article is about.

First off, pay careful attention to what your pet is saying, if it say "I don't know...let's play gormball instead", don't click "approach the shrine." Why not? Because that's disrespectful, your pet is saying that they would much rather play a game than give the appropriate amount of attention to Coltzan. If you see this message leave and go play a game, then come back. The message should have changed. If the message is now "I'm sure smarter neopets than me would understand this shrine better..." or "And to think Malkus Vile would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for us pesky Neopets..." then you're in the clear. You can click that button now, but beware, this does not guarantee that you will be blessed with a level up or a shower of neopoints. Continue reading to find out somethings that you should u never /u do when visiting Coltzan.

**EXAMPLE** i These examples are here to show you a little bit how some of these will play out...No guarentees, though. /i

**Your Neopet** : "I don't know...Maybe we should play Gormball instead..."

_Approach the shrine_ **click**

**Coltzan's Shrine** : You hear footsteps from afar/Your hands glow blue for a moment/A chill wind blows...

**Your Neopet** Aww...nothing happened.

Never approach hungry. Why not, you may ask. Well, it's simple. Coltzan is a kind king, well he was, and will take pity on your poor grumbling stomach and try to sooth you with some burnt food (which we have actually acquired a taste for, after learning this first hand after twenty or so visits.) Actually, why is your pet hungry in the first place? You should be a responsible owner and feed it. Even if you're visiting Coltzan for money coughgreedycough you can still get free food from the soup faerie, the tyrannian platuea or the free venders on Kreluedor. Or you could always find this fabled Jelly world I've heard so much about and eat that...but I don't think it really exists...

**b EXAMPLE /b**

**b Your Neopet /b** : "I'm Hungry..."

_i Approach the Shrine /i_ **click**

**b Coltzan appears /b** : here you go, hope this helps Some burnt food from the Lost Dessert appears before you

**b Your thoughts /b** : Oh, great, another baguss...Go me, whoop-de-doo. I rule. Not.

See? I told you coltzan was a benevolent king, you should listen to me and eat that baguss before your next visit, next time you might actually get something worth your long, excruciating journey to the arid semi-desereted landscape of the lost dessert.

Don't approach with a feeling of "he's gonna give me a level up/neopoints for sure!" attitude. You're being too sure of yourself, and Coltzan doesn't seem to take a liking to those types of people.

**b EXAMPLE /b**

**b You /b** : Yes! Today's the day, no more burnt food from Old Coltzan today!

**b Coltzan /b** sees you i_ Oh, great. Another over-confident one. /i_

_i Approach the Shrine /i_ **click**

**b A chill wind blows and you hear laughter in the distance... /b** Oh well, try again later.

Finally, don't approach more than once in a day. If you do you can assure that you won't get anything for a quite a while. No matter how humble, full, and attentive you are. To Coltzan approaching more than once is like Chirstmas Carolers coming twice in one day to your house: It's bad enough that you had to sit there and listen to them once, but twice? Forget it!

_i Approach the Shrine /i click_

**b Coltzan /b :** _i Uhh, no thanks. I'm tired. /i_ Your hands glow blue and nothing happens

**b You /b** : Hmmm...

_i Approach the Shrine /i click_

**b Coltzan /b** : i What? Them again/i You hear footsteps in the distance...

**b You /b** : Uhh...I'll come back tommorrow.

u NEXT DAY /u

_i Approach the Shrine /i click_

**b Coltzan /b** : _i Ugh, them AGAIN? Too bad... /i_ You hear laughter from far away in the distance...

**b You /b** : Darn...

u NEXT DAY /u

_i Approach the Shrine /i click_

**b Coltzan /b** : Your pet has gained 1 level(s)

_I'm not saying that this will happen every time, so don't annoy Coltzan just to get a level up within a couple days...If you're that desperate you can earn the neopoints to pay for training at the training school on Mystery Island, anyways, back to the topic of this article: Coltzan_

So, the next time you go to visit Coltzan, go to pay your respects-And maybe he'll reward you. Just don't go solely for the reward, after all, respect your elders. Well, that makes me a tad hypocritical, I used to go and visit him for the rewards a long time ago, but I have changed my ways and have been rewarded for that! You wouldn't repeatedly annoy your grand parents, would you? So don't do it to poor old Coltzan who is nothing but a slab of stone (and quite an intriguing slab of stone if I do say so myself.) in the middle of the arid wasteland cough I mean, beautiful sandy oasis in the middle of the Lost Desert.

Hope this has helped you a little bit in figuring out some of the mysteries behind Coltzan's Shrine.

* * *

This was an article written by Chrnoskitty, formerly Usagi217 on neopets, for the Neopian times. 


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